Days 13

Not to sound too morbid or anything, but I just want to think of things that I don't really get a chance to thin about, so anyway. I would like to think about death for now.

To be clear, I still dont want to die at the moment. I feel like there is still a lot of things I can do in my lifetime. I want to do more things and I want to make a greater difference. But then there is still a great sense of maturity that can only be achieved by witnessing a significant number of deaths in my lfieteime. When I was a kid, the worst fear I can think about is dying, and meeting death, even seeing dead persons. I feared walking in tombstones and I really dont like looking at dead people. I also hated horror stories (this would probably be true for me for a longer time). 

Now, I still do not want to die, for the reason that I wanted to do more in my life. But then if there comes a time, maybe even as soon as tomorrow that God tells me to go with him, I will give up all the things I hold on to the earth and follow him. There is no question about that, because I know that he would only let me die when he knows that everything I care about is taken cared of.

Anyway, when I die, I really want it to be something special. More like my birthday but something even more special, like something I have never experienced in my whole life. I dont want it to be something sudden like an accident, or something miserable like dying in sickness. But anyway, I have no control over that and just allow God to do his will on me. Still, I want all the people I loved but passed on before me to welcome me and keep me company, so that I at least would not be scared and no longer have any hesitation in moving forward.

When I was still entering my present community there was an anointing ceremony in which they will allow you to fall when the Holy Spirit overwhelms you. During that time I asked him if this would be the same feeling as dying. You know, being afraid of going to the light and allowing yourself to be filled with the Holy Spirit. It takes a lot of courage to face something that you completely are not sure of, nor familiar about, something you havent experienced in your whole lifetime. I was shaking all over after that, but then I felt really happy. Afterwards I thought, if this would be the same as death then it wouldnt really be so bad.

Months have passed after that, and now I feel at ease thinking about this. I wish that, even if I die and moved on to the afterlife I would still be an intercessor. Whenever I intercede I feel happy. Maybe if I can be able to do this in the afterlife it would be the happiest I can ever be. Because at that time there will be no longer any need to worry about earthly things and just pray for others. I know that at this point in my life I still have a lot of mistakes that I had to face. I am not really that perfect.

But then I hope that when I die, they would only remember the good things I did, and this one thing that I promise them. I promise them that, even if I die, I would still continue to pray for them, and intercede for them everyday. Because this is the one thing that I love doing, especially for my loved ones. I hope that this would make them feel at ease.