Days 20

Since today is Sunday, I reminisce on what God has given to me for the past years. One of the more significant is being able to fast. Three years ago, just months after my father died I was in a lot of stress due to the aftershock of what happened and the stress coming from the audit season. There were a lot of times where I am tempted to end my life - and there was even an opportunity to do so.

In my old work, our company is in the middle of rennovating their offices, but then at that time operations were halted in favor of audit season. Well, I dont exactly know the reason but for that whole season, the office for rennovation was totally vacated and if there were people at that time they were quiet about me being there.

I first discovered that spot when we had an argument with my boss and it led me in tears again. I usually cry in the bathroom and I wanted to be left alone but then my team mates would follow me and try to console me. I know that they are just wanting to do their best to cheer me up, with good intentions, but then I just want to be left alone at that time, so I ran away and used the stairs to my advantage, seeking floor by floor to find the best crying spot out there. You know, the good thing about old buildings is that you know that except for the elevators there was no cctv hanging around the halls and emergency exits - let alone the rest room. But then I grew tired of running back and forth in the restroom so I called it quits and was about to return to my work area, but then an idea hit me. No one was there in that room for rennovation - I know that there wont be any strangers there because they completely stopped and had no more permit to go along with, and I was desperately in need of some private space to call my home. So, when I sneaked in I was so surprised, that yeah, it was so wide and no one really thought of going there ever.

So then, in the next argument I had that led me bursting into tears I went there, and sat on a chair there that was conveniently left in the area, and I heard them looking for me but no one really bothered to check the four room rennovation space, and so I cried alone in that place until I had the strength to return. In my mind, I felt that God really reserved that space for me so that I can be able to cry in peace - he knew that I need it the most at that time. So then for that audit season year, it became my fortress. A few weeks after, they moved the old couches big enough for me to sleep on in that room as well, and since I no longer have a dorm room to return to (I left the place since I was strapped for cash), that place became my temporary sleeping room as well. Because, I hardly ever sleep in that audit season anyway (I take a bath in the gym bathroom since I still have membership at that time, no worries). For me it looked like the perfect arrangement. At least, for the whole season of audit I had a place to go to where I dont have to worry about being caught.

But then my suicidal thoughts grew stronger as my problems continued, and the only thing notably dangerous about that place was that because there were no cameras or people around, I was the only one who can stop myself from going out that open window and jump to 18 floors below to my death. I tried going outside the window once or twice - and the vertigo was real. I looked down below to where my body would be  found if ever I continue on my plan. Fortunately, there was always something that would stop me from jumping, and I would just cry and worship The Lord in tears. At that time, the feast was my comforter. I listen to the talks and I would smile and laugh. And I would feel better. Throughout that whole ordeal, the biggest factor of me not jumping on that window was because I wanted to hear Bro. Jan's next talk. I would sneak out of the office every week just for that, and I would return really happy and work through the morning feeling very strong. 

So then, when there was a call for fasting, I very much wanted to do it so that I can be closer to God, and in that sense, make me happier, as I believed I would. In the booklet quide to fasting, it told me to write my intentions for my fasting, and yeah, one of the dreams I wrote there was that someday, when I am no longer connected with this toxic company, I would still be able to attend the feast, as there would be an SM Fairview Feast. I laughed at that thought because at that time, the only feast near our place was in Manila, and even then it was too far. But then in faith I prayed and completed my first fasting year.

The audit season was already over and the rennovations continued. I finally quit and found a job nearer my home. Three years after that and two more fasting periods I still prayed for an SM Fairview feast. And now, as I've finished three years worth of fasting, a new feast was opened just last month, The Fairview Terraces Feast. Well, it's not exactly in SM Fairview, in fact, it was even better. It was nearer our home. I was so happy and so amazed that even with me not  believing what I wrote, God was really just giving me the idea in my head and made me want it. And he gave it to me so easily. I am so happy about that that this time I feel like he can really give me things that I think are impossible now, but if I pray for it and take action, I would get it. Yeah, in my head I was thinking that this Feast would only be possible if I work on it and suggest it to the higher ups. But then it was created without me actively doing anything, only through prayers. I hope that it would also be the same for getting a boyfriend. Who knows.