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Days 25

My grandmother was suddenly rushed in the hospital, so I'll be quick about it. 

Thankfully, she's doing fine now. But they still have to confine her and do some procedures on her but then the first four hours of panic is over. Now it's more on visiting and medications. I am thankful that it was just a mild stroke this time. You know, my dad also went in the same conditions but thankfully there were a lot of people to save her this time. Surprisingly, after I prayed to God I felt calm and stopped worrying. I only hope that I wont grow overconfident about this and always conclude that things will turn out fine because of God. Well, technically it does. But you know, I am still not ready to lose yet another member of the family. It's something that I pray to God for, that he will not allow things to suddenly happen unless I am consciously prepared for it. Still, in my dad's case I will never be actually prepared for it. Who would? Even so, the amount of support he sent me has done pretty good things in my life. Some I would even say is a change for the better.

In this case, I could not understand the situation very well only that I dont want to face another death again. You know, the only thing worse than this is probably my own death, not for the fact that I will be the casualty, but my family will. I've been through such a thing and I can instanly imagine how they would feel. There are some things that even I could not imagine. And yet, despite of this, being mean to them so that no one will mourn in my funeral is not actually an option. Because, I know there are much more things in life than become someone's problem, and if ever I get to go to the other side I hope that, as painful as it would be it would become my family's stepping stone in changing for the better. I hope that I would leave a footprint behind enough for them to be led to the next step forward. That kind of thing. I know it is kind of deep but times like this I couldnt help it. 

Everyone wants to be remembered. When given a chance to live forever most people would want it. But then there is something better than that. Significance. I mean, it is much better knowing that you have made a difference somewhat than to have lived forever not having a purpose in life. I guess that is why the naive past me really got scared of the last few lines in death note. That everyone dies, and when they do, neither do they go to heaven or hell. Only nothingness.

And then I got to thinking. When I die, sure, maybe some person would remember it, but then that person would die as well. A lot of people were forgotten in history. Even the ones that managed to be written isnt as significant anymore as compared to when they were living. I thought it was a big deal back then, and fought desperately to ensure that I got remembered even in death. Probably why I started writing in diaries in the first place. But now I realize, that in the end, would all of that even matter? So now I use a different approach. As long as it matters to me, I am happy with it. It doesnt matter if I get forgotten over the years. The important thing is, when I am alive, I've been the one who cherised memories of people, of good times, difficulties, every experience I ever had, everything I've treasured. Those things would soon be forgotten as well. But that'ls fine, as long as I am the one who remembers, in my lifetime. As long as I was the one who kept it alive in my heart, then all was not for nothing.

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